AN ANGEL 8

Mom is 90, it is February and none of us knows how many days we have. So even though there was work waiting, I took Mom cross country skiing last week. Within minutes of starting Mom fell going down a slight incline. The impact bruised her backside but she didn't mention being in pain at the time so we continued on. It was a perfect day, a few degrees above freezing with not a cloud in the sky so except for the odd bit of shade we skied in sunshine most of the way around a 3k track.

As we neared the end of the track Mom fell again on the same incline, this time face first. "It was nothing", she said as blood seeped from a split lip while I held snow on it to slow the swelling. Mom was in obvious pain and I was in agony. I deeply regretted allowing Mom to try climbing that rise. It was pain I didn't need. Daily living with Mom is painful enough.

It is not the kind of pain in the neck I can be. It is the pain I experience when I see Mom unsure of her balance, when I have to help her count the change in her purse, when I have to repeat pieces of information over and over, when she needs help to sort out her memories, when we now have to rest going up hills on our walks, when I have to raise my voice so she can hear, when she falls asleep more frequently. It is the pain I experience as I watch another feather fall from the wings of my angel on an otherwise perfect day. 

Comments

[elia]

this was an awesome entry uncle Doug.I think you are a strong man-to do what you do.I know it can not be easy, to see a person whom you have seen be strong their whole life-depend on you and your strength at times. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm 100% sure you bring joy to Nana's everyday- that would surely not exist if you were not there for her. Your taking your time, all your love-your energy and puttin it into her.She is getting back what she gave her whole life of being a mom-that is the way it should be. I know it might not change anything-but don't hurt, without a reason to live, without new obstacles to conquer-people give up on living. It was the incline she had to conquer that day, and the hills on the walks the other days. 90 is an awesome age to conquer obstacles, whether it be an incline while skiing, a hill while out walking, snow on the driveway she needs to remove, or picking a piece of paper towel up off the floor(cleaning). If she has even old daily obstacles to overcome she can find a reason to get up, give her those reasons, and don't hurt-that is what is keeping her young/keeping her going. Please keep the awesome entries coming.

[Nancy]

I just read the words that describe all the pain I have felt watching my mother decline over the last 15 years.I look at her at times and the little girl in me thinks,mom where are you? I still need my Mom.No one ever acknowledged my pain before.Thank You So Much.

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Had the pleasure of being with Mom as she aged and died not been much greater, the pain I experienced while watching her age and die would have been too much to bear. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Doug.E.Barr